Am I Dating a Vampire?
“No-Sex Mary” always comes up with excuses
to refuse nighttime dates
Dear Ms. Behavior:
I have been dating Mary for a few weeks and am
smitten. We’ve made out a few times, but only in
public.
The problem is that we always meet in the middle of
the day for lunch or a walk or for tea, and she
always has to get back to work. I’ve asked a
thousand times for a nighttime date or a weekend
outing, but Mary always comes up with an excuse.
A friend of mine has nicknamed her “No-Sex Mary.”
Am I wasting my time here? Should I cut my losses,
make an ultimatum or make a move for public sex? The
problem is that she seems perfect in every other
way.
—Pro-Sex Jodi
Dear Pro-Sex Jodi:
If Mary won’t see you at night, there are four
possible explanations:
- She has a secret girlfriend and can’t get out at
night.
- She knows she looks horrific in incandescent
light.
- She’s a vampire and is protecting you from
herself.
- She fears that a nighttime date will lead to sex,
and she’s not ready to get naked with you.
You’re not really in a position to give Mary an
ultimatum or to hump her in a public garden. Next
time you invite her to an evening activity, and she
insists she’s only available for lunch, try asking
directly why she doesn’t want to see you at night.
You don’t have much to lose. You’re already spending
your nights alone, so you may as well find out if
you’re barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
My girlfriend, Randi, and I have been a couple for
six months, but we live in different cities. Mostly,
because I have a looser schedule, I travel to see
her and spend long weekends visiting. Everything is
always great when I arrive and the weekend is fun
and affectionate, and we have good sex.
The problem rolls around when it’s time for me to
leave. I notice that Randi becomes silent and
withdrawn about five or six hours before my
departure, and usually she is slow during the early
part of the week in returning my phone calls, until
about Thursday when she warms back up again. She
claims it’s because she’s busy, but I suspect she is
mad at me for having to leave, which is necessary
due to my job. I hate the push and pull of the
situation because it only makes our separation
worse.
Why can’t she just act normal and be close to me the
whole week long? What can I do to get her to change?
—Long-Distance Lover
Dear Long-Distance Lover:
It makes sense that Randi feels sadder than you do
at the end of your weekends together because you’re
the one who goes home and leaves her behind. In some
not-so-conscious way, Randi is probably triggered by
your departure into feeling abandoned. If you can
arrange to have her visit you more frequently, that
may help her feel in control and stay more connected
when you’re apart.
Separation in a new relationship can be difficult,
particularly if a sense of constancy and commitment
hasn’t yet been established. Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, an object relations theorist, described
stages of child development that seem also to apply
to the stages of a new relationship. Early on, the
infant needs an illusion of being connected with her
mother, until she realizes she can exist and survive
as a separate being. Prior to this development, the
infant can be helped by a “transitional object,”
a doll or blanket that substitutes for Mommy and
helps the infant develop a healthy sense of self.
When you visit Randi, try leaving a transitional
object when you depart. This can be a T‑shirt or a
pillow that smells like you and will remind her that
you still exist in the world and that you’re coming
back. Hopefully, after a while, she’ll remember that
you’ll return and that it’s safe for her to have
feelings for you even when you’re away. Her ability
to trust you and the situation will unfold slowly.
It’s an organic process, and there’s not much you
can do to “get her to change,” other than remaining
constant and reliable (like a “good enough mother”).
Don’t take the Mommy stuff too literally, though, or
it may kill your sex life.
Meryl Cohn is the author of Do What I Say: Ms.
Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette.
Signed copies are available directly from the
author. Send questions or correspondence to
msbehavior@aol.com.
